Robert Pattinson haz a sad at the New York premiere of Cosmopolis. (Paul Bruinooge/PatrickMcMullan.com)

“It’s not the sex you think I’ve had—it's the sex I want. That’s what you smell on me,” Robert Pattinson growls to a co-star in his new film Cosmopolis. In another scene, a doctor performs an exam on Mr. Pattinson in a moving limousine. “Your prostrate is asymmetrical,” the doctor informs the heartthrob.

Though these (real!) lines of dialogue are absurd, they are nothing compared to the farcical spectacle The Observer witnessed outside the Peggy Siegal Company premiere at MOMA last night.

The newly single Mr. Pattinson ventured out wearing an elegant blue Gucci suit. As the retired vampire inched down the red carpet, the swarm of journalists covering the event whipped off their flats en masse and quickly slipped into sparkly, 3-inch heels. This was his first appearance since news broke that his girlfriend, Kristen Stewart, had cheated on him with the married director Rupert Sanders.

Indeed, Mr. Pattinson has been having a very difficult few weeks. Beyond the very public breakup, he hasn’t even been able to go out and buy a burger! Co-star Emily Hampshire and “instant bestie” told us about his hardship.

“We were talking about Umami Burger and he was like, 'That’s the best burger in the world, but I haven’t been able to go out and get one. I’ve had to have it sent to me and it gets cold,'” Ms. Hampshire lamented. “He copes with it so well, he doesn’t complain. I mean, if I couldn’t have a Umami Burger I’d be complaining."

When we asked director, David Cronenberg, what he thought about the recent scandal surrounding Ms. Stewart and Mr. Pattinson, he claimed to have no opinion.

“Nothing. I don’t think anything about it. When we’re working on a movie, we’re in a bubble. We’re like [Mr. Pattinson's] character in the movie. We’re insulated against the outside world,” he told us. We asked if he had been concerned that Mr. Pattinson wouldn’t do press for the movie, post-breakup, Mr. Cronenberg replied with a glow of paternal pride: “No, because he’s a pro.”

The beautiful Sarah Gadon only had lovely things to say about her co-star’s affliction, too‪

“Rob seems alright… He surrounds himself by great people,” Ms. Gadon told The Observer. She pointed out how different Mr. Pattinson is from the character he portrays. “He is someone who is entirely egoless as a person, but he is playing someone who has a massive ego. So it was really interesting to watch him switch back and forth between those two,” she said.

Prior to filming, the actors had never rehearsed together so we asked Ms. Gadon if she thought this methodology was helpful.

“For sure, because we were supposed to have an awkward relationship,” Ms. Gadon explained. “What I think is really interesting is that we are two people who spend the whole film trying to find each other, and we spend the whole film unable to speak the same language.”

We asked Mr. Cronenberg to describe how he adapted Don DeLillo’s novel into a movie.

“I read the book once and I thought it could be a movie,” Mr. Cronenberg stated plainly. "And then I read it again while writing the screenplay."

Cosmopolis is an unusual movie in that the main star, Mr. Pattinson, is in every scene—a casting challenge, the director noted: “You have to ask yourself, does he have the charisma to hold the movie together, because he’s in every scene.”

Clearly, Mr. Pattinson has more than enough charisma: he transformed most of the female population standing on West 53rd Street last night into senseless, sex-crazed hyenas.