Jitney Swag bag

"This is for you," our young blonde seatmate told us, nodding to a black tote bag reading "I <3 RTR (RentTheRunway.com)" sitting on our seat. It was Sunday afternoon, and we had just finished cramming our luggage into the overhead bin of the crowded South Hampton Jitney headed back to New York City.

"That's not ours," we said defensively, lest we be forced to put some items underneath the bus. (The Jitney rivals only JetBlue for their inflexibility toward carry-ons.)

"No," our companion for the next two hours told us. "It's a freebie. Everyone gets one."

The Jitney is giving out swag? We must be on the wrong bus. But no, this was not the Ambassador. It was just the regular Jitney. (You could tell because the WiFi wasn't working and no one offered us free wine.)

We greedily pawed opened our bag, sponsored by  to see what kind of goodies awaited us:

• A sample-size portion of Aged White Cheddar Pirate's Booty with Spongebob Squarepants on the front.

• A box of Vita CoCo Coconut Water, which is as abundant as regular water in the Hamptons.

• A $50 gift certificate for RentTheRunway.com, which we immediately used because we have no self-control and really wanted that Lilly Pulitzer summer dress.

• A gift certificate for a free bottle of BlowPro Beach Blow Texturizing Mist hair, redeemable at any Drybar.

• Lancôme Cosmetics' Juicy Tubes lip gloss in what appeared to be "Bubblegum."

• Esprit d'Oscar perfume from Oscar De Lorenta: .02 oz.

The Hamptons, for all intents and purposes, is no longer a destination but an event. And like any good fundraiser or launch party, you get a bag full of goodies just for leaving at a reasonable time.

• A stay in a Bora Bora bungalow
• A ComforPedic Memory Foam pillow "with luxurious suede carrying wrap."
• Engraved bottles of vodka
• Royal Caribbean cruise

The gift bag includes:

• four piece crystal wine glass set
• a Crabtree and Evelyn candle
• a personal safe with internal charging outlet
• Godiva Ice Cream Parlor Truffles
• complimentary one year Netflix streaming membership

If we ever get invited to present at the Tonys, we're saying yes!

The 500-plus guests at Monday's Lapham’s Quarterly Decades Ball received a tidy little 1920s-themed gift bag fit for any drunk intellectual.

Let's peek inside, shall we? 

Clockwise from the top:

A Lapham's Quarterly tote bag, printed with "contributors" names

Spring 2012 issue of Lapham's Quarterly, "Means of Communication"

A pack of Beemans gum, aptly described by one candy site as "a nostalgia product"

Lewis Lapham personified: a tiny edition of two Hemingway stories ("The Snows of Kilimanjaro" and "The Undefeated"), wrapped in silver foil and packed in a cigarette box with the clever tagline, "Tales to take your breath away."

On Booze by F. Scott Fitzgerald

An adorable 50ml bottle of Hendrick's gin, equivalent to about a shot and a half

Thornwillow Libretto limited edition of Bloody Mary by Jeffrey M. Pogash and a matching print of Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare

The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner

Read our write-up of the Lapham's Quarterly Decades Ball here.